Dear DC Comics,

You should introduce a Green Lantern who wears drag. Call him "Queen Lantern."

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear irony,

You are funny... But probably not as funny as homonym jokes.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Will Smith,

Remember when you rapped awesome tunes like "Parents Just Don't Understand"? Remember how you successfully adapted your Fresh Prince persona to television in the fantastic series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (as well as your guest appearance on the splendid Blossom)? Remember how you made the disastrous decision to be in Roland Emmerich's terrible Independence Day in which you degraded yourself by uttering "Welcome to Earf" and punching an alien? Remember how such inanity was then trumped by the abysmal Wild Wild West? Remember Ali and The Legend of Bagger Vance? Oh, you don't? That's okay--no one else does either. Remember how you eternally blighted the superlative works of Isaac Asimov and Richard Matheson? I, Robot and I Am Legend will now be forever tainted by the horrendous film adaptations in which you starred. Thank you for destroying these important novels.

By the way, that last statement was sarcastic.

Remember how you are now passing on to your kids your penchant for ruining good source material and acting in movies that should never be made? Jaden will never be the Karate Kid, and he doesn't even deserve to be called the more-appropriate Kung Fu Kid. And The Day the Earth Stood Still? Really? Remember how you put Willow in I Am Legend? I can't wait until you cast Willow as the star of The Fresh Princess of Bel-Air. Okay, now that statement was serious. Oh wait, no it wasn't. Sorry. If I had the power to make you rue anything, I would declare, "You will rue the day that you make Willow the star of The Fresh Princess of Bel-Air!" However, I do not have the power to make you rue anything, so I will only say that I dread that day and will be very, very upset when it comes.

Will, you should stop trying to be an action star. Please stop making horrendous movies. And please don't let your children be in movies. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Steven Spielberg,

I recently enjoyed The Adventures of Tintin in spectacular 2D. However, I have two comments for you:

Comment the first: Instead of motion-capture, the entire movie should have been animated in the style of the opening credits.

Comment the second: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would have been much better if it had been animated.

Please take note of these comments as you consider future projects. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Barnes & Noble Booksellers,

While I was in one of your stores today, I saw an entire section for "Teen Paranormal Romance." My mind was blown. In a bad way. I am always game for a good mind blowing, but this was bad. Very, very bad. What has happened to our world? How could we ever let ourselves sink so low? Sadness pierces my heart as I think about such terrible literature--

Wait, I can't call it that. Calling "Teen Paranormal Romance" (keeping this phrase in quotes is one minor way I hope to delegitimize such inanity) "literature" would be to soil, sully, stain all that is good and decent that the word "literature" signifies. I believe a more appropriate term would be "shiterature." See what I did there? I combined the words "shit" and "literature" to produce a scatological byproduct which I believe is perfectly fitting for "Teen Paranormal Romance."

Sadness pierces my heart as I think about such terrible shiterature occupying the shelves of our youth, destroying their precious minds, and devouring their souls. Barnes & Noble Booksellers, shame on you for letting this happen. I understand that you are a large corporate entity that is motivated by the satanic impulse for financial profit. I get it. I know this letter won't change that. But do you not realize the message that you are sending to teens and their parents by displaying an entire section of "Teen Paranormal Romance" shiterature? You validate, promote, and encourage the buying and reading of books that will only lead to the demise of our already tenuous society.

The fact that I'm writing this on a blog is evidence that I know about being over-educated, under-skilled, and generally ambivalent about making worthwhile contributions to society. However, it is clear even to me that "Teen Paranormal Romance" will only bring us misery and ignominy.

Barnes & Noble Booksellers, please remove this section from your stores. Please warn parents of the dangers of such shiterature. Please, please provide teens with the truth about "Teen Paranormal Romance"--that it is a horrendous plague which will destroy them. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Zack Snyder,

So, I just watched Sucker Punch. Since you make awful movies, I wasn't expecting to like it. And I didn't. It was pretty much as awful as your other movies. Remember how your remake of Dawn of the Dead was completely unnecessary? Remember how Frank Miller's 300 worked well in its original graphic form but how your movie totally sucked? Remember how you attempted to be "faithful" to Alan Moore's Watchmen but then changed the ending to a scenario that doesn't actually make any sense? Remember how Alan Moore refused to be credited because he didn't believe that Watchmen could exist in any other medium than graphic novel? Well, I agree with him. Remember Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole? Oh wait, does anyone remember Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole? I'll answer that one for you: no. By the way, I repeated the entire title because it's silly. Remember how all of these movies were adaptations from previous material and how Sucker Punch was the first movie you've made that was an original idea? Remember how that original idea was yours? Well, apparently you don't only direct terrible movies, but you have terrible ideas for movies. Remember how you are directing Man of Steel? Even though it's still about two years away, I have a firm belief that it will be horrible because you are directing it. Please, stop making movies. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear random guy in the bathroom of a truck stop convenience store,

Remember when you stood at the sink for a while and then said, "Well... shit"? That's how I feel about life sometimes. Thank you for your profundity and insight.

Sincerely,
This Guy