Dear George Lucas,

Remember how you were interviewed about Willow in 1988? You said, “Special effects never make a movie. I don't make special effects movies. I make movies about people, and in order to tell the story I have to use special effects in order to create the environments.” You actually kind of sound sincere, which might have been true in 1988, but now it sounds like a joke.

In case you haven't seen it yet, check this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJlbPXZEpRE

Also, you should read this letter that I wrote.

When I think about you, I am reminded of the first part of Jesus' parable of the prodigal son. Remember how he took his inheritance and squandered it with riotous living? Well, here is how I see it as an analogy for you: your "inheritance" is THX 1138, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi; "squandering" means ruining (perhaps, even perverting); and "riotous living" is CGI effects. Thus, my Bible now reads thus, "And George Lucas took his masterworks THX 1138 and the Star Wars trilogy and ruined (perverted) them with CGI effects." I'd like to think that I'm a guy of faith, so I hope I still have a modicum of faith that you will "come to" yourself, like the prodigal son, repent of your transgressions, and return to your fans. Although most fans I know are already in line to spit on your grave, I hope we will be humble enough at that day to welcome you home and kill the fatted calf for you. If you ever do repent and return, I imagine Sebastian Shaw will be at the feast, not Hayden Christensen.

Sincerely,

This Guy

Dear parents of children,

The other day, on a popular social networking site, a friend posited a question about the appropriate time to introduce children to Star Wars. His post also linked to this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCjMGOvMghY

His question was completely serious, and I gave a completely serious answer. Here is my answer for you to read and ponder:

"I think, perhaps, there may not be a minimum age at which to introduce your children to Star Wars (which of course means Star Wars (1977) because one should only refer to Star Wars (1977) as "Star Wars"--it's original theatrical title). However, this should be the only Star Wars film that they should know in their formative years. This also means that you should only show them the original theatrical cut. When they are old enough to understand the importance of Akira Kurosawa's influence on Lucas and Star Wars, then it may be appropriate to introduce them to The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (again, the original theatrical versions). They may get mad at you for holding out on them, but it is for their benefit. After all, milk before meat, line upon line, precept upon precept, and so on, right? It is also your responsibility to teach them of the dangers and consequences of watching the special editions and prequels. Despite your teaching, they may experiment with the special editions and prequels when they are adolescents, and if so, they need to know that, even though you disapprove of their behavior, you will always love them and that they can always repent. They live in a time when there are many who will tempt them and seek to beguile them with special editions and prequels, but it is important to teach your children how to guard and protect themselves against such deceivers, including Lucas himself. They need to be taught how to be in the world but not of the world."

You're welcome.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Bobcat Goldthwait,

Thank you for God Bless America.

More particularly, thank you for casting Joel Murray as Frank. Joel is greatly underappreciated and proves his talent with this gem of a performance.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear DC Comics,

You should introduce a Green Lantern who wears drag. Call him "Queen Lantern."

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear irony,

You are funny... But probably not as funny as homonym jokes.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Will Smith,

Remember when you rapped awesome tunes like "Parents Just Don't Understand"? Remember how you successfully adapted your Fresh Prince persona to television in the fantastic series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (as well as your guest appearance on the splendid Blossom)? Remember how you made the disastrous decision to be in Roland Emmerich's terrible Independence Day in which you degraded yourself by uttering "Welcome to Earf" and punching an alien? Remember how such inanity was then trumped by the abysmal Wild Wild West? Remember Ali and The Legend of Bagger Vance? Oh, you don't? That's okay--no one else does either. Remember how you eternally blighted the superlative works of Isaac Asimov and Richard Matheson? I, Robot and I Am Legend will now be forever tainted by the horrendous film adaptations in which you starred. Thank you for destroying these important novels.

By the way, that last statement was sarcastic.

Remember how you are now passing on to your kids your penchant for ruining good source material and acting in movies that should never be made? Jaden will never be the Karate Kid, and he doesn't even deserve to be called the more-appropriate Kung Fu Kid. And The Day the Earth Stood Still? Really? Remember how you put Willow in I Am Legend? I can't wait until you cast Willow as the star of The Fresh Princess of Bel-Air. Okay, now that statement was serious. Oh wait, no it wasn't. Sorry. If I had the power to make you rue anything, I would declare, "You will rue the day that you make Willow the star of The Fresh Princess of Bel-Air!" However, I do not have the power to make you rue anything, so I will only say that I dread that day and will be very, very upset when it comes.

Will, you should stop trying to be an action star. Please stop making horrendous movies. And please don't let your children be in movies. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Steven Spielberg,

I recently enjoyed The Adventures of Tintin in spectacular 2D. However, I have two comments for you:

Comment the first: Instead of motion-capture, the entire movie should have been animated in the style of the opening credits.

Comment the second: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would have been much better if it had been animated.

Please take note of these comments as you consider future projects. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Barnes & Noble Booksellers,

While I was in one of your stores today, I saw an entire section for "Teen Paranormal Romance." My mind was blown. In a bad way. I am always game for a good mind blowing, but this was bad. Very, very bad. What has happened to our world? How could we ever let ourselves sink so low? Sadness pierces my heart as I think about such terrible literature--

Wait, I can't call it that. Calling "Teen Paranormal Romance" (keeping this phrase in quotes is one minor way I hope to delegitimize such inanity) "literature" would be to soil, sully, stain all that is good and decent that the word "literature" signifies. I believe a more appropriate term would be "shiterature." See what I did there? I combined the words "shit" and "literature" to produce a scatological byproduct which I believe is perfectly fitting for "Teen Paranormal Romance."

Sadness pierces my heart as I think about such terrible shiterature occupying the shelves of our youth, destroying their precious minds, and devouring their souls. Barnes & Noble Booksellers, shame on you for letting this happen. I understand that you are a large corporate entity that is motivated by the satanic impulse for financial profit. I get it. I know this letter won't change that. But do you not realize the message that you are sending to teens and their parents by displaying an entire section of "Teen Paranormal Romance" shiterature? You validate, promote, and encourage the buying and reading of books that will only lead to the demise of our already tenuous society.

The fact that I'm writing this on a blog is evidence that I know about being over-educated, under-skilled, and generally ambivalent about making worthwhile contributions to society. However, it is clear even to me that "Teen Paranormal Romance" will only bring us misery and ignominy.

Barnes & Noble Booksellers, please remove this section from your stores. Please warn parents of the dangers of such shiterature. Please, please provide teens with the truth about "Teen Paranormal Romance"--that it is a horrendous plague which will destroy them. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy