Dear Kimberly Peirce,

As expected, your Carrie (2013) is more female-centric than Brian De Palma's Carrie (1976); however, yours is vastly inferior. Remember how De Palma opens his film with an amazing slow-motion, tracking shot through an ethereal, steam-filled locker room? Remember how the wonder of that scene continues to build until the water running down Carrie's leg turns to blood? Remember how, at that point, all that was ethereal and wondrous breaks into terrestrial discord and terror? It is pretty amazing. Remember how you open your film with Julianne Moore playing a very unconvincing and uninteresting mother unexpectedly giving birth and then almost murdering the baby? Remember how even that threat of death is unconvincing and uninteresting? Remember how that scene feels like it only exists to introduce scissors as a potential weapon and to hint at Carrie's future telekinesis? Remember how that feeling is confirmed at the end when Carrie is telekinetic and does kill her mother with scissors? Foreshadowing can be an effective narrative device, but it is not so in your film. Similarly, remember how your shower-menstruation scene is also unconvincing and uninteresting? Remember how it is used merely to establish a shot from Carrie's POV looking at her bloody hands, so you can then reuse that shot in the prom scene? Again, a failed attempt at something interesting. Remember how the best performance in your movie is from Hart Bochner (which would be even better if he told his daughter, "Chris, boubbie . . . I'm your white knight")? Isn't it kind of disappointing that the best performance in your female-centric film comes from a man who isn't even credited?

Shower-menstruation

The most interesting thing to come from your film, though, was that it took me to the Internet to find out exactly how to spell "boubbie." Interestingly, Hart Bochner's line in the Die Hard screenplay is scripted, "Hans, baby . . . I'm your white knight." However, instead of saying the word "baby," in the film Bochner actually uses the term "boubbie" (pronounced bo͝o' bee, with a short o͝o, in which the "ou" is pronounced like the "oo" in "book"). Being a derivative of the affectionate term "bubbellah," "boubbie" is of Yiddish origin and is used between close friends and long-term business partners (see this online Yiddish dictionary). Of course, Bochner's character Harry Ellis calls Hans "boubbie" in his attempt to gain favor with him. An Internet search for the line produces many other spellings including "boubie," "bubby," "bubbey," "bubbie," "booby," "boobey," "boobie," "buhbie," and even "bubi." "Boubie" is close yet misspelled. "Bubby" (buh' bee), firstly, is a Yiddish term for grandmother. Secondly, according to the ever-suspect and nonauthoritative urbandictionary.com, "bubby" and its variant spellings "bubbey," and "bubbie" can also refer to a close loved one, such as a significant other, a child, or a brother. "Booby" (bo͞o' bee, with a long o͞o, in which the "oo" is pronounced like the "u" in "tube") can mean a foolish or stupid person, a mistake, a large tropical seabird with brightly colored feet, or, of course, a female breast. Some contend that "booby," "boobey," and "boobie" are alternate spellings for the second definition of "bubby" referring to a loved one. Interestingly, a "Boobie" could also refer to a hamburger (or perhaps as an identifier for any comestible) from the now-defunct restaurant Boobie's Burgers of Boise, Idaho. However, the latest information reports that Boobie's, which was named after the owner's dog, has been closed since April 2011. The restaurant's website and phone number are no longer operative, and its Facebook page is boring (even more boring than your movie). Finally, both "buhbie" and "bubi" are considered by some to also be alternate spellings for the second definition of "bubby." Anyway, that's the long way to say that Hart Bochner is awesome when he says, "Hans, boubbie . . . I'm your white knight."

"Hans, boubbie . . . I'm your white knight."

Honestly, Chloë Grace Moretz is no Sissy Spacek. Julianne Moore is no Piper Laurie. And do I even need to mention John Travolta and Nancy Allen? No, I don't. Are you talentless? No. Could Brian De Palma make Boys Don't Cry? No. Was your Carrie an attempt to emphasize different aspects of the story? Yes. Was it good? No. And one last comment: when I watch a Carrie movie, I should not have to endure CGI blood. Lame.

Sincerely,
This Guy