Dear George Lucas,

Remember how you were interviewed about Willow in 1988? You said, “Special effects never make a movie. I don't make special effects movies. I make movies about people, and in order to tell the story I have to use special effects in order to create the environments.” You actually kind of sound sincere, which might have been true in 1988, but now it sounds like a joke.

In case you haven't seen it yet, check this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJlbPXZEpRE

Also, you should read this letter that I wrote.

When I think about you, I am reminded of the first part of Jesus' parable of the prodigal son. Remember how he took his inheritance and squandered it with riotous living? Well, here is how I see it as an analogy for you: your "inheritance" is THX 1138, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi; "squandering" means ruining (perhaps, even perverting); and "riotous living" is CGI effects. Thus, my Bible now reads thus, "And George Lucas took his masterworks THX 1138 and the Star Wars trilogy and ruined (perverted) them with CGI effects." I'd like to think that I'm a guy of faith, so I hope I still have a modicum of faith that you will "come to" yourself, like the prodigal son, repent of your transgressions, and return to your fans. Although most fans I know are already in line to spit on your grave, I hope we will be humble enough at that day to welcome you home and kill the fatted calf for you. If you ever do repent and return, I imagine Sebastian Shaw will be at the feast, not Hayden Christensen.

Sincerely,

This Guy

Dear parents of children,

The other day, on a popular social networking site, a friend posited a question about the appropriate time to introduce children to Star Wars. His post also linked to this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCjMGOvMghY

His question was completely serious, and I gave a completely serious answer. Here is my answer for you to read and ponder:

"I think, perhaps, there may not be a minimum age at which to introduce your children to Star Wars (which of course means Star Wars (1977) because one should only refer to Star Wars (1977) as "Star Wars"--it's original theatrical title). However, this should be the only Star Wars film that they should know in their formative years. This also means that you should only show them the original theatrical cut. When they are old enough to understand the importance of Akira Kurosawa's influence on Lucas and Star Wars, then it may be appropriate to introduce them to The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi (again, the original theatrical versions). They may get mad at you for holding out on them, but it is for their benefit. After all, milk before meat, line upon line, precept upon precept, and so on, right? It is also your responsibility to teach them of the dangers and consequences of watching the special editions and prequels. Despite your teaching, they may experiment with the special editions and prequels when they are adolescents, and if so, they need to know that, even though you disapprove of their behavior, you will always love them and that they can always repent. They live in a time when there are many who will tempt them and seek to beguile them with special editions and prequels, but it is important to teach your children how to guard and protect themselves against such deceivers, including Lucas himself. They need to be taught how to be in the world but not of the world."

You're welcome.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Bobcat Goldthwait,

Thank you for God Bless America.

More particularly, thank you for casting Joel Murray as Frank. Joel is greatly underappreciated and proves his talent with this gem of a performance.

Sincerely,
This Guy