Dear Zack Snyder,

So, I just watched Sucker Punch. Since you make awful movies, I wasn't expecting to like it. And I didn't. It was pretty much as awful as your other movies. Remember how your remake of Dawn of the Dead was completely unnecessary? Remember how Frank Miller's 300 worked well in its original graphic form but how your movie totally sucked? Remember how you attempted to be "faithful" to Alan Moore's Watchmen but then changed the ending to a scenario that doesn't actually make any sense? Remember how Alan Moore refused to be credited because he didn't believe that Watchmen could exist in any other medium than graphic novel? Well, I agree with him. Remember Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole? Oh wait, does anyone remember Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole? I'll answer that one for you: no. By the way, I repeated the entire title because it's silly. Remember how all of these movies were adaptations from previous material and how Sucker Punch was the first movie you've made that was an original idea? Remember how that original idea was yours? Well, apparently you don't only direct terrible movies, but you have terrible ideas for movies. Remember how you are directing Man of Steel? Even though it's still about two years away, I have a firm belief that it will be horrible because you are directing it. Please, stop making movies. Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear random guy in the bathroom of a truck stop convenience store,

Remember when you stood at the sink for a while and then said, "Well... shit"? That's how I feel about life sometimes. Thank you for your profundity and insight.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Anne Hathaway,

I just saw a picture of you as Catwoman.

You look silly. I also saw the pictures accompanying this article. They look even sillier. I also saw these and this. Whatever interest I had in The Dark Knight Rises is seriously waning. At least you can take comfort in the fact that you are joined by Christian Bale and Tom Hardy in looking silly. It's like a sillyfest.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear exotic dancers,

Do crisp singles scratch you when they get stuffed into your g-string panties? Just wondering.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Gustavo Santaolalla,

Thank you for making music.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Pedro Almodovar,

Thank you for what you do.

Sincerely,
This Guy

Dear Ben Affleck,

I just watched The Town.  Remember when you made Gone Baby Gone?  Remember how that one was really good and how The Town was just okay?  Remember how your brother Casey was in Gone Baby Gone?  He's a much better actor than you.  If he was in The Town, it probably would have been a lot better.  I was really amazed that you managed to get such underwhelming performances from Chris Cooper and the late Pete Postlethwaite.  It looks like John Hamm and Jeremy Renner just showed up for a paycheck, but I'm not surprised.  They tend to be that way.  Ben, you shouldn't have been in it.  You have the potential to be a good director, but please stop acting.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
This Guy